I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
