Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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