turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
