Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just cropdusted the office
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
