I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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