I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
