Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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