...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
