i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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