6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
