I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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