You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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