dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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