Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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