this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
my poor anus
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
