Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
