be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
