I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
