Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
