I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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