I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
