you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
