i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
