He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Still dying that you shit outside
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
