I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
