I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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