First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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