just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
