Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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