Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
