I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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