Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
