How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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