You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Acid is not a monday night drug
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
