ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
