how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
