I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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