I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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