My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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