Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just threw up on my dentist
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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