new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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