she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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