just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
