Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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