I could have mohawked her pubes.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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