Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
