All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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