Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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