I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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