just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
