All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
