At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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