Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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