Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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