I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
