So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm both gender and math confused
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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