My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
