She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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