Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
