Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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