This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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