so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize