He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
