at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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