She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
