Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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